sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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