remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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