sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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