a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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