Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If that was your dad, he is hot
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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