This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
