Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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