Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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