dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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