Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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