hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
