It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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