I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
