There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
