Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
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he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.