those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
