i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
