I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
