Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
