I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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