Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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