This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
