Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
