he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
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I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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