Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
