Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Soap is not a condiment
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
