No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've blown a few things in my day
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
