I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He has the fingertips of a God
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