Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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