I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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