I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
