This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
