So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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