I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
