just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
