It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
