I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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