so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
