this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
