Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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