that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Buhtt sex?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
