I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
