I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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