My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We need to rekindle our bromance
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
