Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My pussy is not your playground.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
