Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
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Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
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I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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