I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
