My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
