apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
