I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
