It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
