let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who died my cat blue again?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
