so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
