At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Houston, we have a squirter
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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