I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The cops high fived after they tackled you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
