i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Randomize
