We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i drank out of a bidet.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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