My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
